[Date Prev][Date Next][Date Index]
INKYTEXT 330
_ _ __ ______
(_) ____ / /__ __ __ / /_ ___ _ __ /_ __/
/ / / __ \ / //_/ / / / / / __/ / _ \ | |/_/ / /
/ / / / / / / ,< / /_/ / / /_ / __/ _> < / /
/_/ /_/ /_/ /_/|_| \__, / \__/ \___/ /_/|_| /_/
/____/
STUDENT DEATH
Issue No 330 Monday 31st January 2000
------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------
Editorial correspondence should be sent to InkyText@lancaster.ac.uk
Subscription requests to Inkytext-distribution-request@lists.lancs.ac.uk
------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------
FRIDAY'S INKYTEXT READERS' PARTY
will kick off at 5.00 pm
and prolly collapse about 6.00
when the drink has run out and the bar opens
Venue: County Lounge (next to the bar)
Guests of honour are coming from around the globe (literally)
The pleasure of your company is requested
AGENDA
Part I
Minutes and Matters Arising
1. Editorial: Continuation Audits
2. News: Student Death, Nurse-led Unit, Court, UMAG, Lord Inglewood,
Merlewood, Maternity leave, Fylde/Furness Burns Supper, Ruskin.
3. Burns 2000: Burns, Ruskin and Mrs Beckham's Thong
Part II follows and will contain
4. Paris Itinerary (IV): Louvre and Quartier Latin
5. Readers' Letters: Transferable Skills in HE, Longserving staff, Animals
and Essence, Phallus impudicus, Proust.
6. Small Ads: Cleaner wanted, Book Vouchers, Accommodation for French
student, etc
MINUTES AND MATTERS ARISING
---------------------------
Lord Inglewood is once again an MEP, having been returned at
the last (PR) election.
The longest serving member of staff is Margaret Gardener, whose
initial contract dates from February 1964. See also Readers' Letters.
Guests have been asking if this Friday's Readers' party is a BYOB affair.
Not particularly, unless you want to drink it.
1. EDITORIAL: CONTINUATION AUDITS AND A FREE PRESS
--------------------------------------------------
Our institutional auditors have been named. Sound middling folk all of
them, I'm sure, and prolly privately thrilled to have been adjudged
worthy of undertaking such important roles as judges of fellow
institutions.
Readers have mischievously asked whether they have been put on the
circulation list. No, nor will they be. Unless they ask of course.
Others cover their heads and groan with horror at the thought that they
might. No need. Inkytext is a sign of Lancaster's strength, not of
weakness.
A free press is the third pillar of the democratic state, and its
importance is entirely on a par with each of the other two, legislature
and the executive. Private companies abominate the idea and would
certainly refuse to tolerate it, preferring instead tame and controlled
PR bulletins. That is a sign of insecurity and a reminder of the gulf
that still separates private sector and democracy. Their employees
treat such publications sceptically.
True, Prof Hanham once outraged a junior administrator by summoning
him to ask if he was 'the Mole'. It was a commonplace but astonishingly
naive assumption for a politician like him to assume (a) that moles
must exist and (b) must be junior members of staff. Even Ministers know
that their secretaries are usually loyal beyond measure, whereas leaks
almost always come from their colleagues or superiors plotting against
them.
We, who like nothing more than to make people happy, naturally try to
lighten UMAG's burden by finding things to praise. But the success and
progress of any institution cannot be for long procured by pretending
things are not as they are.
As Beaumarchais said, 'sans la liberte de blamer il n'est pas d'eloge
flatteur' - without the freedom to criticize there can be no flattering
praise. At least it means our praise is noticed and believed, which is
more than can be said of PR sheets.
Thus, one role of this journal is that of ongoing internal audit of
management behaviour - a less costly and in some ways more effective
way of doing what institutional audit by outsiders does infrequently
and imperfectly.
2. NEWS
-------
STUDENT DEATH: A student fell to his death from the top of Bowland
Tower at 3.30 on Sunday morning. Sami 'KJ' Janakka was a third-year
student from Finland who last year had been a vice-president of Bowland
JCR. He had been speaking of concerns to friends for some time. His
parents have been informed. The university house team was called out in
the early hours of Sunday.
CRUNCH TIME APPROACHES FOR THE NURSE-LED UNIT: there was recently a
large meeting between all interested parties, including the doctors and
the Area Health Authority. Frankly it should have taken place very much
earlier. It revealed disquieting concerns about what the nurses could
and could not do, and about whether two beds (as opposed to the
existing nine in the Health Centre) are sufficient.
In the light of reports from its representatives at that meeting, last
week's Union Council voted that the unit should not open. Space for a
nurse-unit is in any case included, according to reports, in plans for
the new health centre.
Building work and the equipping of this purpose-built unit was
completed in a rush last October. Since then it has been locked up.
Full-colour leaflets explaining our new health provisions were printed
even earlier in the summer, at a time when no relevant committees had
approved the thing and students had not been consulted.
(It goes swithout saying that at no time were staff or other patients
of the Health Centre consulted nor is there even now any intention that
they should be.)
This shocking state of affairs is a direct consequence of treating
the matter as one for purely executive action by the resources
division, and not publicising what was going on to the wider community.
It is hard not to see it as an example of waste of resources and
mismanagement. It certainly will be if the unit doesn't open.
MYSTERY SOLVED: Why did Prof Macdonald FRSE, as Dean of IENS, not
respond to the VC's question on Merlewood at the last Senate. (Some
members thought he must be absent - he is indeed a diminutive figure
but not easily overlooked.) Answer: he was bending over to get a
biscuit before they were taken away and did not hear the question since
he was shielded by a bulky figure in front of him. That is his answer.
He's a pawky teuchter but it must be true since he is an FRSE. However
various sceptics will no doubt mutter about diplomatic biscuits, etc.
THE ANNUAL MEETING OF THE UNIVERSITY COURT takes place this coming
Saturday. It will receive the accounts and annual reports of the
unuiversity and the students union, and be asked for views on the
proposed amendments Charter and Statutes.
ELECTION BY COURT OF A MEMBER OF THE UNIVERSITY COUNCIL. There are
only two candidates, both of them readers, for the one vacancy: Nick
Bardsley and Hilton Dawson MP. The opportunity to have the local MP on
Council, whoever s/he might be, is prolly too good a chance to miss,
though there are many members who would see Mr Bardsley as a welcome
stimulant. He points out that he is well able to attend regularly and
is willing to ask the hard questions that Council members shy away
from.
A LANCASTER UNIVERSITY STUDENT, Grace Capewell, is conducting a survey
into maternity leave and career aspirations. She is looking for
volunteers to fill out her questionnaire from any woman who has
children of 0-5 years old. These can be staff or student if you could
pass on the information to any students you may have who fall into this
category. If you are able and willing to participate, please contact
gcapewell@hotmail.com]
COURT WILL DEBATE A MOTION proposed by Nick Bardsley on the setting up
of a joint committee of Court, Council and Senate specifically to carry
out the 5-year reviews recommended by both Dearing _and_ CRILL... The
motion is really too wordy, in best NUS style, but deserves to succeed.
LORD INGLEWOOD MEP speaks on Europe in the Management School this
afternoon. Formerly Richard Fletcher-Vane, this old Etonian runs a
family estate at Hutton-in-the-Forest near Penrith. He was formerly a
Privy Council appointed member of the University Court and once had a
bruising encounter with the editor in a Debating Society show event.
When he lost his Euroseat he became briefly junior minister at National
Heritage. He is actually very nice and a useful person to involve in
our affairs.
MERLEWOOD: a number of parties have emphasized the value of a
research-council directly funded establishment like Merlewood, and the
numerous advantages to us, despite the sadness of losing the polymer
group. Opportunities should be numerous for liasons with industry and
new student projects. (NB Merlewood's scientists are paid on scientific
civil service scales.)
FURNESS/FYLDE BURNS SUPPER: this capacity event took place on Saturday
evening in Furness SCR and bar. It was a rare and memorable occasion,
an example of the collegiality whose loss is regretted by Prof Mansfield
FRS in the current issue of Centre Points, the Chaplaincy magazine.
It was made unforgettable by the superb, luminous, theatrical
rendering of Bobby Denver, interspersed with his asides on the quality
of our beer, etc. The mature singing by Clare Beard, accompanied by Ben
Noakes, was also a delight, as was Margaret Gardner's shortbread. The
haggis, by MacSween's, was particularly good, and the vegetarian
version a revelation, even for meat-eaters.
Many thanks to the Furness team, led by Principal Janet Clements,
whose hard work made the event possible, and to Prof Denver, master of
ceremonies. Extracts from the editor's Toast follow.
NEW ALARMS: A new alarm has been installed in Resources and was
accidentally set off by cleaners on Saturday. Unfortunately Security
hadn't been informed and didn't have a phone number for the key-holder.
Happily initiative allowed them to guess the combination.
CONTINUATION AUDIT TEAM: Dr R Allen, Dean of Human Studies
(Greenwich), Prof R Harris, Politics and Asian Studies, (Hull) Dr R
Robinson, Modern History, (Birmingham) Ms Catherine Payne, audit
secretary, Leeds Metropolitan University, all co-ordinated by Dr David
Buckingham, Assistant QAA Director, Staff Development Unit (Exeter).
RUSKIN: A review of two biogrpahies by Chris Woodhead, chief inspector
of schools, in yesterday's Mail on Sunday. This over-chieving man, who
recently refused 'on principle' to say what 1/2 of 3/4, was doesn't seem
to be that much better at English either, though they do say he was a
lively teacher of it.
3. BURNS 2000: BUURNS, RUSKIN AND MRS BECKHAM'S THONG
-----------------------------------------------------
[What follows are brief extracts from the Toast to the Immortal Memory
of Robert Burns given at Saturday's Fylde/Furness Burns Supper. Full
(censored) transcript available on request.]
[...]
I recall our 1986 Burns Supper in Cartmel Refectory, a massively
well-attended affair at which the guests of honour were the new VC and
Mrs Hanham.
On that occasion that I proposed a rhyming Toast to the Lasses which
took the form of a cautionary tale about two lads from Galgate who
drank themselves to death. The one woke up next morning wondering where
he was and how to find his way back to Meadow Park, only to be told by
Auld Nick, the De'il in person:
Daft Bampot! You just killed yersel'
This isnae Galgate - this is Hell!
To which he replied:
Thank God I've only lost my life,
I thought I'd hae tae face my wife!
[...]
Now, usually on these occasions I am tempted to speak in verse,
distracting you from the paucity of the content of my remarks with
cheap rhymes: rhyming 'sinner' with 'dinner', 'Lancaster' with
'disaster', 'educator' with 'fornicator', etc.
However on this auspicious occasion and with such a distinguished
audience, AND with the Continuation Audit coming up, I wanted to raise
the tone of my address and inject some Academic Quality into it. That's
capital A, capital Q.
Unfortunately Academic Quality, whether for injection, or in nebulised
or capsule form, is not yet available on the NHS nor do they sell it in
Sainsbury's. Besides which I suspect that my consultant thinks the mere
mention of this meaningless term is bad for my blood pressure.
[...]
Instead, I want to turn to another famous writer whose anniversary we
celebrate about this time - John Ruskin.
I see we have Pro-Vice-Chancellor Whitaker here who has become a
member of the Ruskin Foundation and will shortly be attending his first
meeting of that august body, in London no less! I hope he will not be
offended if I say straight away that in my opinion a comparison between
Burns and Ruskin is no contest.
Indeed the more I reflected upon Burns and Ruskin, the more I realised
the utter, absolute and total antithesis, the complete and
co-terminous, diametric opposition that there is between the two, a
contrast so entirely perfect in every respect that knowledge of the one
teaches you about the other - provided you remember that he is just the
opposite. (Does that make sense?)
It is for example entirely appropriate that we are celebrating Burns'
birth when
a blast o' Janwar wind
Blew hansel in Ro-o-bin
but on the other hand we celebrate the centenary of the _death_ of John
Ruskin.
Death and Ruskin go together: Robert Burns is the apostle of life.
Ruskin lived in the past and preferred it to the present. Robert lived
very much in and for the present, for the pleasures of the senses and
the spirit.
Ruskin was the son of a rich merchant and had private means which
spared him from the painful necessity of earning his living. Robin was
a ploughman and tenant farmer, and later a lowly civil service officer
in the excise department.
Ruskin was profoundly devout and God-fearing. Robin, it has to be
said, had his doubts about Providence, though he was brought up and
died a nominal member of the Kirk and never spoke a word agin it,
though he much despised some churchmen.
[...]
Ruskin lived to an advanced age and died in the large property he
owned on Lake Coniston. Robin was more or less impoverished and died
woefully prematurely at the age of 37.
[...]
Ruskin has had to wait nigh a hundred years for a monument that was
founded on the passion of a few people plus its architect, and mainly
financed by a naive university Senate and the National Lottery.
Burns is commemorated every year all over the world by millions of
people who, like you, even pay for the pleasure of remembering him with
their own guid money, hard-earned after-tax cash. Particularly
hard-earned cash if they work at the University of Lancaster.
Now, Burns had a keen interest in politics and current affairs, and I
would like, with your permission, to consider four burning questions of
what Lord Armstrong of Ilminster might term the 'actualite', four
topical items that have been the talk of the nation in this
fin-de-millennium and on which it might be instructive to seek advice
from Oor Robin.
First, let me turn to New Labour. Or so-called 'new', so called
'Labour', as Burns might have said. Take yon Tony Blair - take him,
please! But Robert might have nonetheless admired Cherie and the Blair
babes, and Labour's championing of the rights of Woman. In his 1792
poem on just that very subject we read
While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
The fate of Empires and the fall of Kings;
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
Secondly, there's the sad case of Lord Archer. Of course Burns would
not have failed to castigate his ineffable vanity and his erstwhile
cocksure smugness, not to mention the ghastliness of his woefully
'successful' writing:
Ye see yon birkie ca'd 'a lord,'
What struts, an stares, an a' that?
Tho hundreds worship at his word,
He's but a cuif for a' that.
But here I think we might imagine that Robin would have felt
compassion for his fellow sinner and not wanted to cast the first
stone. Perhaps he would have been especially scathing about the outrage
expressed by certain women sufficiently unattractive to be unlikely to
fall themselves:
Before ye gie poor Frailty names,
Suppose a change o cases:
A dear-lov'd lad, convenience snug,
A treach'rous inclination -
But, let me whisper in your lug,
Ye're aiblins nae temptation.
Human frailty and the weakness of the flesh were subjects that
Burns knew well and frequently blushed about while remaining unable
to amend himself:
But how capricious are mankind,
Now loathing, now desirous!
We married men, how oft we find
The best of things will tire us!
At least he recognised his guilt and guiltily reflected upon it:
One point must still be greatly dark,
The moving Why they do it;
And just as lamely can ye mark,
How far perhaps they rue it.
[....]
Finally, of course, there is the matter that preoccupies the editors of
the tabloids more than any other, a subject that inspires passionate
chat over the nation's breakfast tables and prompts nagging thoughts
day-long in minds that ought to know better. I refer of course to Mrs
Beckham's knickers.
These apparently are not of the generously proportioned French silk
variety that, contrary to rumour, did not get a future Vice-Chancellor
ejected from Marks & Spencer's underwear department.
No, like the young of her generation Mrs Beckham has a preference for
something called a 'thong', which might be defined as, a bit like Her
Majesty's Opposition benches at Westminster, not much up front and
nothing at all behind.
Now the problem, and I'd better just state it for those of you who
have been in Mars these past few weeks, is as follows. She alleges that
Mr Beckham, a football player with a talent for swerving the ball and
who has exceptionally muscular thighs, is fond of wearing her thongs.
This leaves one _reveur_, as the French say. All across the nation work
has been abandoned as people speculated on this phenomenon. And not
just in Britain. I have a theory that this may explain the recent
decline of the Euro.
You see the problem. She is a skinny wee thing, near anorexic they
say, can't be more than a size 8 really let alone a 10. He must at
least be a 34 inch waist or more and has huge thighs.
The problem is one of elasticity. What on earth is the material that
these thongs are made of? This is a mystery of Polymer science. I
wanted to discuss the matter with a polymer chemist, but alas I
couldn't find one since ours are all going to Sheffield.
In fact I have become so mesmerized by the idea of Mrs Beckham's
knickers that I was inspired to address an ode to them in best Burnsian
fashion:
Ode to Mrs Beckham's Thong
Puir wee black thong
Tae whom does it belong?
It's no very strong
And will no last long.
It's certainly gey lacy,
Even looks a wee bit racy,
But will it no just split
When worn by a muckle git?
[...]
Madam Principal, Ladies and Gentleman, thank you for your indulgence
and responsiveness it remains for me to ask you
Before dull Care once more returns
Tae drink a toast tae Robert Burns.
To the Immortal Memory of Robert Burns
PART II FOLLOWS