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INKYTEXT 280 Part II
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FIRST INKYTEXT OF LENT
Issue No 280a WEDNESDAY 24 FEBRUARY 1999
______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______
PART II
Late Ad: Host families wanted
4. Appraisal: a few classics
5. Readers' Letters: Cyclists and motorists, Staff Cricket Club, Rich Text,
Wheelchairs and Lake Carter, John Whitelegg, Mail, Mariah Carey, RON,
Cleaning toilets, Furness Back Bar.
LATE AD
-------
HOST FAMILIES WANTED - Are you interested in hosting a foreign student
(aged 13-18) for 2/3 weeks in July? They will be attending a language
school at St Martin's College and would like to stay in a family
environment. Expenses will be paid to cover the board. For more
information please phone Ruth Everitt on 01524 388308 by 15 March at
the latest.
-----------------
4. APPRAISAL
------------
A reader sends the following gems forwarded by a friend who works in
local government. These allegedly genuine appraisal reports have
circulated on numerous networks for a number of years, like sundry
other classic 'real life' compilations on the frontiers of plausibility
(e.g. insurance claims). They are included here since appraisal is a
topical issue and in the interests of more picturesque speech.
"Since his last appraisal, this employee has reached rock-bottom and
has started digging."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it's only to change feet."
"This lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then constantly fails to achieve
them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"He has a knack of making strangers immediately."
"He brings joy to others, when he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored - he's the other
one."
"A photographic memory, but with the lens cover left on."
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
"Has two brains: one is lost; the other out looking for it."
"If he was any more stupid he'd have to be watered."
"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change."
"It's hard to believe that he beat a million other sperm."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"It takes him two hours to watch sixty minutes."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
"This man would have to study for a month to pass a urine test."
5. READERS' LETTERS
-------------------
I reply to the letter from one of the car-loving minority. The writer
asks "What God-given right have the authorities got to take strips of
our roads and allocate them to selfish cyclists? ".
This can be answered very simply; it was the authorities who built the
roads in the first place and it is they who maintain them. The costs of
the private use of the motor car are always underestimated by the
minority that use cars. The cost in terms of cyclists' and pedestrians'
lives both ended by accident and pollution is in my view a very high
price to pay for the convenience of a small number of people.
Even this convenience is at risk if we don't provide space for
cyclists. The more cyclists there are, the faster motorist will get to
their destination. The only problem I have with cyclists are that most
are the equivalent of Sunday drivers. This is only because the roads
are so dangerous that parents won't let children cycle and so many new
cyclist have no experience of cycling on open roads.
Graeme McCaffery
Bowland '94
--------------------------------
In response to your correspondent lamenting on the smoky atmosphere in
Cartmel Bar, ever tried Furness Back Bar which is non-smoking?
Admittedly the Bar doesn't serve food, unless you count crisps, but at
least one can emerge from the Back Bar without smelling like an
Arbroath Smokie.
Janet Clements
Furness
---------------------------------
There's more to add to last weeks letter about the traffic generation
arising from the City's greenfield development plans. Before the
Inquiry Inspector, council officials made out that the objectors claim
that the 1200 new houses would create 10,000 vehicle movements per day
was "an exageration". Well then, asked the objectors during
cross-examination, "what's the official estimate?".
After cough and sputter came the reply: "Only NINE THOUSAND vehicle
movements per day would be created".
"And how will this traffic be accomodated on the exisiting road network?"
"Err ... well ... we'll get back to you on that one."
Regular users of the Pointer Roundabout should savour it while they still
can.
Mark Johnston
North Lancashire Friends of the Earth
---------------------------
Re the harangue in the last Inkytext - I am a car driver. I am willing
to stand up and be counted. But I don't want to be a car driver. What I
would really like is a train link from Bentham to the University. Or
even a bus link that didn't take twice as long and cost twice as much
as driving. Driving messes up my back, my lungs (no exercise), and my
world.
I like cyclists - I find them inspirational. And on the 'facts' of
decreases in pollution by cars - these are outweighed by the increases
in numbers of cars, and the associated increases in tarmacking the
landscape. On employment 'benefits' - what are the costs (economic and
environmental) of these jobs? And are they really doing work that is
worth doing? It's lack of imagination that tries that line of argument.
Yes, the cycle path is one of the positive achievements of the
University, and yes, we could do a lot more (does paper recycling ring
a bell?) to limit the University's environmental impact - and that
includes raising the parking charges and lobbying for better public
transport links (or even setting them up ourselves).
Jane Hunt
-----------------------
So I' ’ve just finished lunch in the square, it’s a beautiful crisp
sunny day and I decide it might be nice to commune with the ducks I’ve
noticed down at the pond. Off I head in my wheelchair to find a route
down. A (steepish) path seems to run down that way from in front of the
Chaplaincy Centre. Putting faith in my brakes I head down -- but the
path shortly abandons me at the kerb of the main drag before it crosses
and meanders towards the tennis courts. Strangely it doesn’t quite go
to the pond! What to do?
Hmmm, in the absence of a sidewalk, I'’ll take my chances in the road
and sprint the sixty metres for safety past the speeding cars, and
Stagecoach buses. There'’s a sign by the drive warning drivers that
there could be ducks about and hopefully they'’ll approach me with
similar caution. Full speed ahead then, and I just about wheel myself
to the safety of the pond turn-in, before a driver, mobile phone
clamped to its head, distractedly hurtles up the drive.
The ducks are having a swell time on the ice and welcome my unwanted
crusts from Birketts. A great spot to sit, contemplate and take in the
sky. All good things come to an end however, and I must get back to the
‘concrete jungle’. Don’t fancy my chances returning the way I camso I
take the ‘path’ that slants up towards the Health Centre drive. A lo
detour, but welcome views towards the snow-dusted Lakeland fells en
route.
Some path however - more of a (foolishly permitted) rat run used by
drivers to get to the north end of the campus and Health Centre. My
reverie is shattered as I have to make way for a Volvo and then a BMW
(and a tractor, but it has a good reason to be there). I return to
work. I wonder who is in charge of planning access to the grounds ?
They maybe don'’t go there much, even on foot.
Completing a loop down to the pond area would be real nice. It’s such
an obvious thing to do. Is 60 metres of asphalt path too much for
Lancaster to afford these days ? Is the pond really only for people who
can walk upright to get there ?
Help me Inky Wan Kenobee, you're my only hope!
---------------------------
Paul Mullineaux suggests (InkyText 279, letters) that word processed
documents intended for wide readership be made available as HTML format
so that those of us without up-to-date versions of Word can read them.
HTML would be a good way of doing this, but Rich Text might be even
better.
Every word processor I've seen in the last five years seems to be able
to read and write Rich Text Format (RTF) files. Saving a Word document
as Rich Text allows preservation of font, margin, pagination,
tabulation, character style and colour information. Better still, one
can't put a virus in a Rich Text file, so one can accept a Rich Text
file from anywhere in the world without fear of infecting one's
computer with a Word virus. Indeed a common way to 'clean' a Word file
of Word viruses is to save it as a Rich Text file, then restart Word
and resave the Rich Text file as a new Word file.
I've noticed a number of people have gone to some lengths to provide
universally-readable word processing files on the University web site.
I thank them for their efforts on behalf of those of use who use old
versions of Word, other WP software, Macs or Unix and encourage
everyone to check their 'Save As' dialog box for a RTF or Rich Text
option.
Simon Slavin
Computing Officer
Department of Psychology
----------------------------
In the interests of historical accuracy I would like to make a comment
on the cycle way and the achievements of the Hanham years. On my return
from working in Germany in 1990 to take up the headship of Geography I
decided to do what I could to get a cycle path to the University. I
walked the route, mapped the route, got the County and the City
Councils on board (they were both very helpful), arranged meetings with
them on campus and the rest is history as they say. The only problem I
had was Professor Hanham who was concerned about the proximity of the
cycle path to his house and gave me a "dressing down" over my
unauthorised and unofficial approach to this issue.
John Whitelegg
[NOTE: true, true, but that's the irony of history. Politics decides
who gets the kudos and it takes centuries of uphill scholarship to
re-establish the truth. In fairness to Professor Hanham.... I think
there were others in Bailrigg village who complained to him, that
perhaps being one reason for the eccentric purchase of 'The Downings'
'to protect our northern flank', as Prof Finch, in military mode, once
put it. (Ed.)]
-------------------
The motorist who wrote in the last InkyText exudes such hostility to
cyclists and cycling, that I would fear to be on two wheels while they
were anywhere near. I am not a regular cyclist, but even so I weary of
motorists trotting out endless and tired cliches about cycling
regarding cycling on pavements, having no lights etc. It is a minority
problem and of minimal consequence compared to cars running red lights,
parking on pavements, noisy polluting old diesels, drink driving etc.
Even the university's own leaflet on cycling to town is extremely
patronising of cyclists, asking them to be 'quiet cycling through
Bailrigg Village' etc.
As a motorist, I would be delighted to see cyclists given proper lanes
- for my peace of mind as well as theirs. I fear for them when I see
the driving habits of people going to and from work, when cars speed
round tight corners close to the hedgerows, with little thought that
there could be a cyclist or a horse up ahead.
Anyone who has visited many cities and towns in northern Europe, or
places like Boulder or Portland in the States, where up to 80 percent
of journeys are made by bike and most kids cycle to school, will have
noticed the positive benefits and calm it brings these places. I envy
them greatly.
Thankfully at least some planners in the UK have taken this on board,
and wish to emulate their success. If it costs money to promote other
forms of transport and this limits my ability to drive, it is a price I
am very happy to pay. Lancaster is strangled by traffic, and at great
cost to us all. I look forward to when it isn't so.
Simon Cresswell
-------------------------------
It appears that the University is employing men to clean some women's
toilets, including those in which there are showers officially provided
for non resident students and members of staff. Surely there are enough
women cleaners to ensure that it is always women who clean women's
toilets. Is this really too much to ask?
A student
---------------------------------
> Incoming mail has been queued
> and will be fed through to Exchange mailboxes once the Internet
> connectivity is re-established. No queued incoming mail will be lost.
>
[Elliott, Steve]
Which doesn't explain why I have received an email along the lines of
"Two previous messages to this address were bounced. If this message is
bounced, you will be removed from our lists". When I restarted Outlook,
I had 17 new messages. That's maybe a little more than I get in a day,
but certainly a LOT less than I get in a week.
Steve Elliott
------------------------------
From today's CNN news. Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities
to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN, "I'm
inconsolable at the present time. I was a very good friend of Jordan,
he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever
seen, we will never see his like again".
When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died
and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a
state of "confusion."
---------------------------------
About the Lancaster University Staff Linseed Oil and Bull's Blood
Application Society. Ok, so it's the Staff Cricket Club really, and as
the national side limp home again from traumas in the shining sun of
another overseas summer, those of us at the bottom of Lord Maclaurin's
pyramid are starting to limber up for the coming traumas in the
gathering gloom of another English "break in the rain".
The Club usually play two matches a week, a 20-over midweek match in
the Lancaster & Morecambe Midweek Cricket League and a 40-over friendly
on Sunday afternoons, with away matches at picturesque places and
against picturesque sides, whilst our home matches are played at the
"Bailrigg Bowl", picturesque on its day to be sure, if a little lacking
in amenities on wet night in August.
There is also a Northern Universities Staff Cricket Festival held each
year, which this summer takes place in Newcastle in early July. And
there is, of course, a social side to all this as well and many a world
has been put to right, many a player's prowess questioned and many a
match re-appraised and, in some cases, wiped from the memory
altogether, over fine ales and food, come the twilight.
We have a strong fixture list, a full kit bag, a couple of pre-season
net sesions, a mailing list and even a web site with an online database
of past results, but what we really need are players! So, wherever you
lie, from the most recent addition to the staff, unaware of our
existence and looking for a game, to the most established member of
staff, possibly aware of us, but only now considering a return, or even
a late start, to a fine cricketing career, please get in touch with
either Kevin Buckley, ISS or David Blacow, TV Unit.
We are also happy, indeed overjoyed, given the talents unearthed in
the past, to welcome any cricketing post-graduates who find themselves
here over the summer.
Kevin Buckley
ISS
--------------------------------
The editor describes me as a 'former SCAN editor'. Alas, but my still
mildly bruised ego must point out that I only ever reached the
not-so-lofty position of deputy editor of that once great organ.
As to my appointment to Court. Without wishing to be ungrateful I
would be inconsistent if I did not express disapproval of the practice
of not bothering to hold a vote when there are less candidates than
positions to fill. I have always been a believer in 'none of the above'
or, as generations of student unionists have known the device, RON
(re-open nominations). Of course RON exists for the expression of
dissent, by and large, and would likely be wasted on Court, a body
containing barely enough dissent to fill a sherry glass.
That said, I am grateful to be appointed. I regard it as a privilege
to serve this institution and look forward to perhaps taking part in
debates on more meaningful subjects than the price of lunch...
Nick Bardsley
-------------------------------
I would like to correct some of your correspondent's prejudiced views
on cyclists.
Firstly, there are many cyclists commuting between the city and the
university. You don't see them on the roads because they travel along the
cycle path. The facilities for myself and others to park our bikes at the
uni are, however, poor, with bikes being chained to whatever barriers or
railings may be available.
Cyclists sometimes travel along pavements because it is safer than the
road. It is car users who tend to be the most selfish, as they think
the road has been designed exclusively for them, which sadly is often
the case. How many people, including myself, have been knocked off our
bikes by cars turning left directly in front of us, oblivious to our
presence ? It is only when councils design roads to include clearly
marked cycle lanes that car users have some awareness of cyclists and
their needs.
Finally, the tax on petrol is not designed to 'punish', but to reflect
the enormous amount of energy used to move a 60 kg human being and 1
ton of metal from work to home. Cars waste enormous amounts of fuel for
the purpose that they are designed for. I completely understand that
people with disablities need transport that minimises the amount they
have to walk, but the way forward is to demand better public transport,
such as dial-a-ride and an extended bus service.
If everyone owned cars we would have choked to death by now. I am not
exaggerating. As an environmental chemist, I know too well the problems
associated with the impact of increased car use. I myself will never
own a car, but will fight to get public transport available to all
those who need it. Other countries, such as Sweden, have excellent
public transport systems, and we would do well to learn from them.
Jenny Gimpel (Environmental Sciences)
---------------------------------
The Message of the Day tells me "If you have not received messages
that were sent to you during the period of downtime, you will need to
ask the sender to mail another copy of the message"
How am I supposed to know if anybody sent me a message?
---------------------------------
MORE WHEN THE EDITOR RECOVERS FROM PARIS